Listicles are everywhere, and you must be familiar with the genre. ‘10 celebrities who have aged badly; 20 ways to insult someone without cursing; 15 signs that you are not a nice person, or 10 things to make out of discarded Garrett probe boxes’.
You get the gist; the world seems to have gone list crazy. But it makes for lazy writing … and easier to do a blog post, of course! Not only that, listicles suit hard-pressed writers and time-poor readers. At the end of the day it’s a win-win situation, innit?
With this in mind, I have been looking closely at the listicles that regularly frequent newspapers, magazines and the Web. For those who don’t know, the word is made up of ‘list’ and ‘article’. Followers of Lewis Carroll will recognise the form as a ‘portmanteau’ word. The Oxford Dictionary defines the word as ‘an article that takes the form of a numbered or bullet-pointed list.’JW
And so I embark on my own list of predictions for the hobby of metal detecting based on my palm reading skills, native Geordie intuition and geriatric guile.
2020: Where’s Warsaw Wally? Wonder no more. Just heard a rumour that a new detecting magazine called The Treasure Searcher will be published later this year by Barstool and edited by his fawning sidekick Swifty. Vanity publishing at its best.
2021: Alas! After only five copies, the magazine has folded due to the publisher and editor being the only readers. Thugwits around the world are delighted.
2022: The only two British detecting forums now in existence are insisting that all subscribers use smileys (emoticons) to show that they are not being sarcastic. 🙂
2023: Detectorists on forums are now speaking entirely in smileys, one of which will mean ‘no sarcasm intended”, which will often be used sarcastically.
2023: A new book by Andy Sabisch on 30 new programmes for the Alibaba Elite machine sells one billion copies in the first week. Most of the programmes – if not all – were submitted by detectorists hoping to get their names in print. Mr. Rixon has created a special section on his site, but some detectorists complain that the programmes take over a minute to download.
© Picture of Andy by John
2026: A simple injection developed by boffins at the NCMD enables detectorists’ skin to be covered in four different versions of camouflage. The effect lasts up to eight hours and means that they can play at being The Invisible Man. CCTV operators are worried, but Nigel at Regtons has dismissed complaints, citing the latest ‘human rights’ legislation, and continues to advertise the product in the only detecting magazine now available (digital only).
2028: A decent pin-point probe now costs over £8000. Detectorists reminisce about how once they only had to offer retailers less than a thousand squid for two.
2029: Holographic detectors are now commonplace, meaning that those budding Steven Spielbergs will lose an essential ingredient … the ability to know that they are about to dig up another piece of crap! The average length of such video epics are expected be reduced ten-fold. Pity I won’t be around.
2030: The ‘office boy’ and tekkies respected icon finally reaches the top of the ladder. BAFTA winner and regular good guy Sir Mackenzie Crook becomes prime minister. Not before time, I say.
© Picture of Mac by John
2032: London Thames foreshore detectorists are warned that they can only dig down one inch … the Museum of London will provide a free plastic rule. This is contrary to legislation implemented over 30 years ago. They are also informed that all embankment pubs have banned alcohol inside. People will only be allowed to sup beverages in designated outside drinking areas – provided they sit three metres apart at all times.
2035: Not everybody agrees with Camilla Parker-Bowels featuring on the new £1000 note, and there’s even more debate about the princes, Charlie and Andrew. However, most people seem quite pleased with Sir Mackenzie Crook on the £200 note.
2038: The Dick Stout Memorial Museum based in Austin,Texas (digital only) will be having a retrospect of the famous detectorist’s work at the beginning of the year. On show will be lots of memorabilia and his most famous blog posts. People are raving about his pictures of metal detectors languishing on a spade in the middle of a field. Barron Trump, the famous wind energy technician, has proclaimed the immense collage as a ‘national treasure’ and organised a petition to buy it for the nation.
© This has been a tongue-in-cheek production by John Winter. Please remember that the blog was created in an ironic manner and is not to be taken seriously. 🙂