The Dodgy Detecting Dealer Advises

How to Achieve Success in Detecting

STEP 1 Buy a cheap or knock off copy metal detector. Don’t worry about researching what to buy. We all know that if it’s cheap, then there’s not much lost if it’s a duffer. Remember – Chinese clones of popular machines aren’t always of inferior quality.

Whatever you do, don’t waste your time trying to decide what sort of sites you will be searching and match the detector to them. Just watch a few YouTube videos – usually produced by reviewers who get to keep the (free) machines whilst claiming that the detector is the best available. These people REALLY care about you! They wouldn’t put these machines up there if they didn’t have your best interests at heart.

STEP 2  Take the machine out of the box, but don’t waste precious detecting time reading the manual! Reading is for idiots. Don’t invest a second learning the features of your machine, but get out to the nearest productive site (locations available on my Secret Sites DVD on eBay) and start swinging it vigorously from left to right!

To ensure you don’t get disturbed by nosy uniformed public officials, you may like to consider going out after they’ve finished work. Make sure you have a huge shovel and dig some really big holes. If what you find is rubbish, don’t waste time filling and making good your excavations, and quickly move on to the next signal!

If you fail to find a Roman gold ring or a hammered silver coin then you must have the one duff detector out of thousands of good ones! Remember, failure in this hobby is NEVER your fault but can be blamed on those electronic engineers who produced the machine and don’t know a pure gold signal from that of a pull-tab.

STEP 3  Don’t waste time doing research. Can I suggest again that you buy my Secret Sites DVD from eBay and most certainly, don’t spend more than 15 minutes a week strenuously searching in order to fill your pockets with coins and artefacts.

Avoid any effort that includes having to fill in a hole if deeper than two inches or one push of the boot. Make sure you leave all junk on the ground next to the hole so you can see the mess next time and know not to dig it again.

If you can’t find the object in the hole then you are using the wrong spade and should immediately buy the most expensive stainless steel ‘special’ version, plus a pin-pointer probe. Don’t forget to buy expensive pin-pointer covers, holster, lanyard, and finds’ pouch – also available from my eBay site. Remember, anything available from shops that cost less, or you can easily make yourself, won’t guarantee those treasure finds!

STEP 4  If you fail to find anything of value by this stage, then you must resort to investing in two or three of those extra-large and extremely small coils, and a set of expensive cordless headphones. Your luck is bound to change as soon as they are fitted!

Also try fitting exorbitantly expensive re-chargeable batteries that last at least 30 hours – it doesn’t matter if you only detect for just a couple of hours a week!

Oh, and don’t forget to subscribe to every available hobby magazine as you wont find anything without reading all those adverts. How else would you know where to spend your money on all the extras you need to be successful?

STEP 5  If all else fails, then please contact me to buy the Super Secret Sites DVD and program settings on little bits of plastic coated paper. These are a closely guarded secret in this hobby and not just obvious settings you could have gleaned by reading the manual, listening to Deep Digging Dan or viewing Mal’s videos.

My location maps were all drawn with a magic pencil infused with rare earth metals by the ancients. The information and location of sites came to me via a vision from the aliens … all this for only 10 easy payments of £100! The good stuff is guaranteed to be there, provided you don’t block the my maps with negative thoughts or by breathing whilst detecting. There you go.

I hope you enjoyed this tongue-in-cheek view of detecting advice. The original was penned by a friend of mine a few years ago; I have simply done a little tweak here and there. Unfortunately I have lost track of Dave and, as a matter of courtesy, I wanted to ask for his permission. If he sees this, I don’t think he’d mind.

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